Umm.. hi. >.>;; Yeah. Been I while since I've been back. Tell you the truth I don't know why I'm here again in the first place. I thought I'd gotten over this-- thought that maybe it was a good thing I didn't have to post anything in this place anymore. But... now I'm thinking that maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I didn't get over anything, maybe I was just shutting it away again. So I'm trying to break myself.

         It's proving harder than I would think. I'm going against instincts even typing this little. It's like a chore to make my fingers move across the keys. I'm tempted to just walk away... But no. I'm going to make myself sit here and finish this. Because if I don't I'll be doing more harm than good, I know that. This reminds me of one of the lyrics from that new Anna Nalick song... "If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer/ inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to." Couldn't have said it better myself, really. That's the reason I made this blog in the first place. To say thing that I would never have the strength or the patience to say regularly. You see, if I was writing this I would have chickened out by now. I could use the excuse that I took to long to write. But I type incredibly fast usually, so I can't use that excuse this time. And I know I should be doing this.

         I'm typing this up piece by piece, so if it's unreadable that would be the reason. Though I doubt people are still checking this. I mean... I wouldn't be if I were in your place. Or maybe I would, I'm just that kind of person. Hanging on to last hopes, long dead. Yeah, that's me.

         I just don't know why this is so hard, or if I should be remotely worried about it. I know I've shut myself off again. Well... I shouldn't dramatize things. I'm just more used to the silence now than I am of sound. Really the only reason that I'm writing this is because I know that I'm going to need this soon. Sophmore year is coming up and I have to buckle down. This has to be a big year for me. It's incredibly important for the future. So I have to be able to concentrate. And with all this... uncertainty and... pain? Can I call it that? It certainly hurts. My heart's being crushed by something I can't name and I can't move. I can't... I need to figure out what it is and get rid of it. I almost feel weak by having to use this as an outlet. I don't like showing weakness in any form, and having to admit that there's something I can't figure out or beat is incredibly hard.

         But hopefully this will help. If it doesn't I'm screwed, =P

                                                                  Thanks for listening... for the umpteenth time.
                                                                                         Gabrielle <3