Push me under.  

Is it at all ironic, or perhaps even amusing, that the only way for me to feel better... is for me to feel worse? I need to submerge myself in the pain- just so I can get rid of it. It seems a little backwards to me, but it works. One of the only things that works. I fake being happy to everyone else, so when I try to do happy things to make myself feel better... I feel like I'm lying to myself. Whatever's in me -- I just want it gone. I want to expose it, pry it out of my chest and end it. And the only way to do it is to submerge myself in it. I don't fear it. I fear the fact that I might like this...

Could that be the reason? Could it be that maybe.... Maybe I want this to happen to me? Could I be so masochistic as to want  this pain? Maybe I'm just tired of fighting it.

Melodramatic ramblings, right? Maybe that's just the person I am. So wrapped up in my mind... It's better that way. This way I won't annoy other people wiith what I do to myself. I'm so backwards. There are things that are so little... but they mean the world to me. No matter how many huge things a person can do to me, I care more for the little things. A look, a gesture. Even things that mean nothing to anyone else, things so embedded in someone that it's nothing more than the proverbial "vibe". They mean so much. I live off of them. I, who looks past everything to things that sometimes... well maybe they're not there. But that's me. Because one of my greatest hopes and fears is that someone will do the exact same to me.

So many different things have been swimming around in my mind, caught up in some massive whirlpool... I don't have the time or the energy to type them down, but those who need to know about it already do. As for me... it doesn't seem like these things are going to leave me any time soon...

Is this what people see when they look at me? Do they see right through me? Do they see what I do to myself? Or does everything that I do, every precaution I take to keep them away and out... Does it work? Do I want it to? I want to scream... or cry. I want to rent the air with my voice and my pain. I want to release it to the atmosphere, destroy it from me... Do people see this pain? ... Do they really care?

I don't know where I'm going with this. I have to end it anyway. Enough of my ramblings. I need to end this. =] Will you help me end this? Just push me farther. Just push me under. 


                                   Gabrielle.

                    Yep, I'm sick. Really the only reason I have enough time to sit down and type all of this out. It's strep throat, goody goody. *sarcasm* But at least it affords me a day off from school. It'll give me time to catch up on somethings. And I'm not missing Chem, so I should be in working order. That's the only class that might be able to throw me for a loop, or at least the one I've heard can do that. So I'm keeping my eye out for it.

                    They really don't exagerate when they say that Sophmore year is hectic. I'm barely on the computer nowadays *gaspshock* Let alone on and having enough time to type out an entry. This place is going to get a major overhaul once (if) I find the time to do so. But for now you get to suffer through this layout for a little while longer. Things at school are driving me crazy anyway.

                     Tried out for Volleyball. Didn't make it. Tried out for the Fall Play. Made call backs. Then didn't make it. I need to find something to join, and fast. I need to build up my extracurriculars. I wonder if that fencing school is still open by my house... You see, that's what I'd really want to do, but it probably looks better to colleges if you're doing something in school as well as out of it. Eh. And I want to start Violin lessons. Or at least Voice lessons. But Mum says that Violin is very expensive.. blah blah blah. Again I say Eh. =P My determination will (hopefully) win out in the end.

                     Other than that.... I don't think I have that much to say. Other than normal school dramas and my uncalled for loathing of a certain someone... ( Yeah, I know I shouldn't. But there's only two people I just can't really stand in our school. She's one of them. *shrug* Sorry.) There's really nothing to say. But I promised myself I'd write here so my brain didn't explode. =/

                     Now, off to Geometry homework!! *flies away with all that dramatic hero music*

                                                                              Till the next;
Gabrielle, aka- The Gypsy Rose

(Ps- I'm now absolutely OBSESSED with this online manga called, "Pandect". I'll put the link up as soon as I get the time to do it. ^__^ )

 

               Our joint birthday party was on the 4th, Sunday of Labor Day Weekend. All in all it went pretty well. At least to my knowledge. Everyone said it was an awesome party, but then why would they tell the hostess her own party sucked? So I'm not sure if I can really trust what they said. I just hope they had a good time. It got off to a bit of an awkward start, but once everyone was there and people started going in the pool it started to work out. As soon as the sun went down everyone poretty much went crazy. People were thrown into the pool left and right, including me. (Actually I think I might have a bruise from one...) But it was all really fun. Then there was cake time. ^__^ Yay for cake. Mine tasted good until I had to throw it at my friend. She threw her piece at me so a war of sorts ensued. It ended with me covered (Literally) in ice cream cake, as well as her. But I went into the pool afterwards anyway, so it was all good. Some people left some clothes behind (the mark of a good party, I'd say ^__~) and we still have to figure out who. We have a pair of guy's pants, a black strapless top, and a thong that says "Joey" on it. xP So yeah. Oh, and the presents were all KICK ASS!! =D

                I should probably go, I'm still working on my summer reading projects. Yeah I know, bad Gabbi and all that. We had Sophmore Orientation yesterday. All in all I liked my teachers. Though they're always nice to you on Orientation, then turn into bitches during the school year. I don't know if I can really judge on that. What really surprised me were the people. They all changed a lot, mentally. It was so odd... You walk through the halls and see people that were friends last year pass each other by and not say a thing. It's like something just dropped right through the floor between them. And it's not harsh or hostile. Something is just gone. It was actually a little disturbing. You felt the change, or at least I did. There was just something different, something wrong. It was a worried feeling. And it wasn't for school itself, I know that much. I was worried about that too, but it's a whole different feeling. This is closer to pain... It's probably me being melodramatic but it worries me too. -sigh- Anyway, it's none of my concern. And I really have to go do my project now. I start school next Monday. >.> Eep.

Till the next;

Gabrielle - aka The Gypsy Rose.

            Apparently I am granted a reprieve for the day. I was supposed to baby-sit my hellspawn of a little cousin, but I don't have to. But I don't want to give you the wrong impression. I absolutely adore my baby cousin, but that doesn't make her less of a hellspawn.  Apparently it runs in the family. *points at self fervently*. =P

            I sometimes find myself wishing that I was at the point of my life where I could look back at this time and realize the triviality of the situations at hand. Unfortunately now doesn't seem to be that time exactly. Bummer, eh? Trying to decide what teams I'm going to join next year. I also have to stew over play prospects. I'm thinking of going out for Volleyball, but I just happened to make a complete idiot out of myself last year. I don't know if I want to put myself through that again. Then again, I really don't have a choice. It's crucial that I join a sport. And that's my best bet. Then again, I also want to do the school play. =/ There's more than enough drama to go along with that decision. Plus, if I do make it on to the volleyball team (which I doubt in the first place) I'm not going to be able to try out (most likely) because of schedule conflicts. At least that's what almost happened last year. Ugh. Not to mention I have to start working on my projects. x.x Gah.

            Other than that I have my JOINT BIRTHDAY PARTY to fuss about. I had to capitalize that so people didn't think I was taking the party over. I still don't know if I am good with the guest list. We actually have a waiting list of sorts. Not really, but it's something to think about. I think I might want to switch some things around... >.o This is just... not working. Arrgh. We need to do something soon though. I think that the invitations are pretty much out already. So I can't really do anything. Ugh. Everything is just making my brain fizz. Not good.

             So yes, the reprieve is only momentary, but I think it's going to help. Hopefully. I need Margaret to wake up. >.>;; She always sleeps late and we need to talk. Again, I say grr. I don't know what I'm worried about more, what's not in my control or what is... *sigh*

 Till the next ~~

Gabrielle; The Gypsy Rose

               This entry is going to be amazingly short. I'm sneaking on before I have to go back upstairs to hang out before bed. It'll be a couple of hours till I actually have to go to bed (obviously) but I'd feel bad if I left them up there all by themselves. I mean-- I'm a guest in their house, I should probably be spending some time with them, right?

                 Anyway, I think this whole blog thing is actually helping (gaspshockawe). It cleared my head a little. I can't really focus on what's really going on yet; I'm not saying this is some miracle cure. But I'm feeling better at least. Even though nothing really extraordinary is happening it helps if I can just get a couple of things down and worry about other things. For example, I have a sudden reative spurt. I think I might end up digging up some sort of notebook to start writing things down. No real concrete story plots have come up yet, but it's getting there. I'm starting from the middle really, so the going is a little tricky. I think it also has to do with the fact that I'm getting to read for fun now. Since I finished the summer reading I can move on to more leisurely things. Right now it's the Pendragon diaries. Not quite sure what the exact name is and I'm not going to go upstairs to hunt down the book, but oh well. =P Almost finished with it too-- about halfway done. I need to look for the next of the series now. My Aunt might be taking me shopping tomorrow so I can pass by B&N if I have to. They leave a couple of loopholes that I can fit a character into with their main plot so the stories coming from there. Nothing really unique, but it's a start. If I can start building up basic plot lines/twists I'm that much closer to being able to write my own stuff. That's the reason why I think this whole... whatever it is.. is finally going away. So thanks for that. ^_^

               Went to go see March of the Penguins today. Surprisingly enjoyable. I really like Morgan Freeman. When he talks it's like you're sitting down with your grandfather or an elder like that. Like he's telling you the story. He just has that sort of voice. Plus, he seems like a really nice man. I don't know why, I mean-- It's not like I've ever met him. But he just seems like a really amiable character. *shrug* Just my opinion.

               The movie theatre was a really hole-in-the-wall type of place. Quaint. Only played two movies =P During the previews I saw the trailer for the next Harry Potter movie. (excuse the fangirlness) Totally got my psyched. =P It's like a ritual me and my friends have. We always go to see the movies on opening day. Pretty fun. It's coming out this November I think... Yeah. Something like that. ^_^ Can't wait.

               Anyway-- I probably have to call it a night. If I end up not posting here for a while then you know why. (Not that anything mind boggling is going to happen, lol)

            IT BROKE! ARRGGGHHH! -fumes quite loudly-

            I knew this time was going to come. I knew it. The stupid computer was just too old to be able to keep working. Ughhh. I didn't want it too though. I was completely locked in for two days. @.@ Felt like some odd sort of hermit. It just wouldn't turn on. I mean, I heard the computer whirring so something was happening. But the monitor wouldn't turn on. Thus began the quest to bring the friggin thing to Circuit City. So we tried plugging it in to one of the monitors there but even then it didn't turn anything on. We couldn't save the files either. There was a chance they were corrupted, so if we took them out then it would just corrupt the next computer that we put it in. So now EVERYTHING is gone. x.x You cannot understand how much that bites it. (( Yeah, Agata. That means the whole conversation on the new language is GONE. ))

            My father bought a new computer, a better one. He just has to hook it up and everything and then we're good to go. He can't do that till next week however because my parents are on vacation in Cancun. I'm writing this from my Aunt's house.

            It's really nice here. They've been doing a lot of redecorating and things like that. It looks a lot more homey now... I'm sitting in my Uncle's study. He's at work right now. He's a doctor so he works crazy hours. He works in the emergency room, I think. It's a pity too, he's always interesting to talk too. We talk about religion and history and things of that nature. Mostly history. =P Yeah, it might sound boring but I think it's actually pretty interesting. Much more interesting than learning it in school. In school it's mostly: Here. Take. Sit. Read. Learn. Blehhhhh. With my uncle you get to question things, or give your opinion on what happened. It's just... better. Usually during the day I hang out with my Aunt. She's really cool too. We have a lot of fun joking around. Then of course they have a dog; he's named Freddy and he's a boxer. I'm staying here for a week or so.

            Once I get home I have to start doing my projects for school. I already read the three books, I just have to do the projects now. But I'll worry about all that mundane stuff later.

            Hah. Fifteen and I'm still waiting for something amazing to happen. You would think I would already be used to the harsh (and boring) reality of it all. Damn my insufferable innocence.


                                                                              Till the next ~
                                                            Gabrielle; The Gypsy Rose 

(( Ps- Since I'm at my Aunt's house I can't get onto AIM. If anyone needs to get in touch or just wants to say something; leave a message here and I'll write back. ))

         Umm.. hi. >.>;; Yeah. Been I while since I've been back. Tell you the truth I don't know why I'm here again in the first place. I thought I'd gotten over this-- thought that maybe it was a good thing I didn't have to post anything in this place anymore. But... now I'm thinking that maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I didn't get over anything, maybe I was just shutting it away again. So I'm trying to break myself.

         It's proving harder than I would think. I'm going against instincts even typing this little. It's like a chore to make my fingers move across the keys. I'm tempted to just walk away... But no. I'm going to make myself sit here and finish this. Because if I don't I'll be doing more harm than good, I know that. This reminds me of one of the lyrics from that new Anna Nalick song... "If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer/ inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to." Couldn't have said it better myself, really. That's the reason I made this blog in the first place. To say thing that I would never have the strength or the patience to say regularly. You see, if I was writing this I would have chickened out by now. I could use the excuse that I took to long to write. But I type incredibly fast usually, so I can't use that excuse this time. And I know I should be doing this.

         I'm typing this up piece by piece, so if it's unreadable that would be the reason. Though I doubt people are still checking this. I mean... I wouldn't be if I were in your place. Or maybe I would, I'm just that kind of person. Hanging on to last hopes, long dead. Yeah, that's me.

         I just don't know why this is so hard, or if I should be remotely worried about it. I know I've shut myself off again. Well... I shouldn't dramatize things. I'm just more used to the silence now than I am of sound. Really the only reason that I'm writing this is because I know that I'm going to need this soon. Sophmore year is coming up and I have to buckle down. This has to be a big year for me. It's incredibly important for the future. So I have to be able to concentrate. And with all this... uncertainty and... pain? Can I call it that? It certainly hurts. My heart's being crushed by something I can't name and I can't move. I can't... I need to figure out what it is and get rid of it. I almost feel weak by having to use this as an outlet. I don't like showing weakness in any form, and having to admit that there's something I can't figure out or beat is incredibly hard.

         But hopefully this will help. If it doesn't I'm screwed, =P

                                                                  Thanks for listening... for the umpteenth time.
                                                                                         Gabrielle <3
      
 

                  It was the most glorious day today. I got to walk home too. One of the very rare occasions of warmth it seems. It's so odd. I feel like I'm in some sort of distorted fairy-tale. As I walk home, well I basically take a path that's carved right through woods. Of course there are houses all around it, I mean this is a development. But... the trees, the animals. It's all still there. You hear the birds chirping and watch as they fly past you on their business. Or a squirrel will scurry past as you walk along the street. I've even seen a whole family of deer just grazing on the patches of green. They look up, they look down, they keep eating. Thanks to the myriad houses you pass you get your own little soundtrack. Hundreds of wind-chimes, stirred by a faint breeze, making a beautiful ringing song as you walk by. Oh, and did I mention the creek? Yes, we even have our own little creek-- a mini-river or stream. It gurggles on it's merry little way as you pass over the stone bridge, tumbling over the rocks in the bed. So yeah, this is what I get to walk home too everyday. Lucky me, huh?

                    It would be even better if I got to enjoy it.

               .... Wow. Haven't been back here in a while. I guess that's a good thing, ne? It means I'm not as dependant on this place as I used to be. Or... I'm just really boring. But nothing can be done about that now. xP

               :: Swats away cobwebs :: o.0; I hate spiders, I really do. :: Wipes away some dust :: -Grumble- I don't like cleaning. -Sigh- Oh well, I guess it was my fault anyway for having abandoned this place. To any who still reads this, which is doubtful, don't expect me to write in this that much more. I really have nothing to write ^.^;;; Which makes this a little awkward.

               But I do feel as if I need to write something. Plus, I have a lot of extra time since it's Easter Holidays at school. Oh, I am very proud of myself though! ^.^ I gave up both Chocolate (or choklit ^.^ [nani]) and TV, both of which I consumed wayy too much of. And I've been doing pretty good, allowing for the times I space out and totally I forgot I gave those things up. But once I realize what I'm doing I stop! I do. ^.^

               I feel at a loss, but I guess I'm doing this mostly for my friends. I don't get to see a lot of them that much, at least those that don't go to my school. It lets them keep tabs on me, I guess. Not that there's much to actually tell them, which is rare for me. Usually I'm all too involved with the latest melodrama (much to my own dismay >.<;;) or just have done something incredibly idiotic. Both of which cannot be said today, which means -- A. I've gotten better and less dramatic [or] B. It's all stockpiling till later when something incredibly disastrous is going to happen. ^.^;; Let's hope it's the former, shall we?

               Though, I have gotten back into my drawings (if it could be classified as such). And I've gotten better. I think... Though my attemtps are still sad I've finally been able to draw something on my own instead of just copying it. Thinking of getting a deviantART account, but one would need a scanner for that. And I don't. Sort  of squashes my plans, ne? Oh well.

                 Oh, and I picked up my first J-Pop CD. WOOT WOOT! ^.^ I've been wanting one of these for the longest time, and now I have it. It's by Yoko Ishida <3. Much love to her, these songs are great! And it comes with handy English Translations, of which I am in desperate need because I don't speak Japanese yet. Yet. ^.^ The next CD I want is the one by L'Arc ~ En Ciel. [Ps.- I don't think I wrote that write, but bear with me, ^.^;;] That's J-Rock though, so I thought I'd take a baby-step before I bought it. Hence the J-Pop. But I like it soo much! I don't regret my decision. I just wish I could get to the Suncoast faster. xP

                  Haha, lookit that! It wasn't so short after all. ^.^ Maybe I'm not that boring. xP

               Till the next...

                  Hahaha, name explains it all. It's currently 7:53 on a snow day and I've been awake for an hour. xP Such a loser. Anway I took some random quizzes that I might post here, seeing as how it's too early in the morning for anything to happen. Except maybe that I prayed incessantly for snow and now have to study (>.<;; Promised God that I'd read the whole chapter at least two times if we had a snow day... why do I get myself into these things???)

Every quiz below has come from another blog, or website and I do not claim any rights in finding and/or making them.
(Hahah, disclaimers are snazzy, no?)

Your Power Color Is Orange You live in the fast lane. You love action, risk, and competition. You're spontaneous, enthusiastic, and persuasive. But you're also easily bored - and love to rebel against structures. You resent rules ... as well as people's attempts to control you! What's Your Power Color? Take This Quiz :-)

What is Your Ideal Anime Weapon?
Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.

Oh, and this too-- So sad. That's really the only reason why I'm posting it, almost cried. I hate regretting things and this is the worst story about that I've ever heard. (*glares at Mae* And this is the only reason I'm posting it! No alterior motives!! >.<;;) Arrgh. For some reason it won't let me copy and paste. Grr. Anyway, if you want to read it check out this blog. You'll have to scroll down a bit to an entry titled "Don't Hold Back Your Feelings", posted on February 27, 2005. It may take a while to read, but it's worth it. ^.^

May post something again a little later, when I actually have something to write! Till then.

¤ Gypsy Rose ¤