Push me under.  

Is it at all ironic, or perhaps even amusing, that the only way for me to feel better... is for me to feel worse? I need to submerge myself in the pain- just so I can get rid of it. It seems a little backwards to me, but it works. One of the only things that works. I fake being happy to everyone else, so when I try to do happy things to make myself feel better... I feel like I'm lying to myself. Whatever's in me -- I just want it gone. I want to expose it, pry it out of my chest and end it. And the only way to do it is to submerge myself in it. I don't fear it. I fear the fact that I might like this...

Could that be the reason? Could it be that maybe.... Maybe I want this to happen to me? Could I be so masochistic as to want  this pain? Maybe I'm just tired of fighting it.

Melodramatic ramblings, right? Maybe that's just the person I am. So wrapped up in my mind... It's better that way. This way I won't annoy other people wiith what I do to myself. I'm so backwards. There are things that are so little... but they mean the world to me. No matter how many huge things a person can do to me, I care more for the little things. A look, a gesture. Even things that mean nothing to anyone else, things so embedded in someone that it's nothing more than the proverbial "vibe". They mean so much. I live off of them. I, who looks past everything to things that sometimes... well maybe they're not there. But that's me. Because one of my greatest hopes and fears is that someone will do the exact same to me.

So many different things have been swimming around in my mind, caught up in some massive whirlpool... I don't have the time or the energy to type them down, but those who need to know about it already do. As for me... it doesn't seem like these things are going to leave me any time soon...

Is this what people see when they look at me? Do they see right through me? Do they see what I do to myself? Or does everything that I do, every precaution I take to keep them away and out... Does it work? Do I want it to? I want to scream... or cry. I want to rent the air with my voice and my pain. I want to release it to the atmosphere, destroy it from me... Do people see this pain? ... Do they really care?

I don't know where I'm going with this. I have to end it anyway. Enough of my ramblings. I need to end this. =] Will you help me end this? Just push me farther. Just push me under. 


                                   Gabrielle.